


Election Season

by dangeropolis



Category: Bob's Burgers (Cartoon)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), F/F, college fic, i know it's a crack pairing but trust me okay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-14
Updated: 2016-09-22
Packaged: 2018-05-26 15:46:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6245965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dangeropolis/pseuds/dangeropolis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>At Seymour State University, Tammy Larsen was cheerleader on the nationally ranked cheer squad, board member for her ultra-popular sorority, newscaster extraordinaire, threw "like, the best parties!", and was running for senate president. </p><p>Naturally, Louise was ready to take her down personally.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. pilot

**Author's Note:**

> yes, it's a tammy/louise fic. i don' know either. just trust me here, we'll get through this.

             It was early March at Seymour State University. It was still a little chilly from the close bay but not cold enough from stopping adventurous students from donning shorts and sandals. There was a dullness going on in classes, where midterms were coming up and everyone was just counting down the days until spring break. It was a decently sized campus, which pulled most of its students from those around the state who wanted to go to an okay college without paying out of state tuition. Nothing was particularly unique about it, save for its students.

  
            Louise Belcher, college freshman, had been counting down the days until summer vacation since September. It wasn’t that she hated school, she just knew that her time was better spent scheming or planning or conniving. When she wasn’t acing her classes without much thought, she was bumming around the beach with Regular Sized Rudy (RS, for short) or scrolling through cat videos with her roommate and older brother Gene back at their small crappy apartment.  
Her parents were a little lost with all of their baby birds having left the nest so suddenly, especially when Tina was attending a really nice liberal arts college all the way in Rhode Island. Sure, they had birthdays together and anniversaries and summers together, all cooped up in the Bob’s Burgers kitchen, but for the most part, the Belcher kids were making it on their own.

   
            None of them had changed, though. Tina was still boy crazy, but to her benefit she had toned it down and approached her creative writing major with a passion Louise really admired. Gene was flamboyant and loud, playing loud music out of his speaker-equipped backpack at the community college not too far from Seymour State. He was still undeclared for now, and he liked it that way. He was also a frequent performer at a coffee shop’s open mic night, where his fart noise laced techno beats hadn’t matured, but were just a little bit more refined.

  
            Louise was just as rebellious as she ever was, which pissed off her professors beyond belief. She still faked sicknesses and car accidents to get out of tests, and still ditched class whenever she could. And yet, the homework was turned in (relatively) on time, and any test she took was almost perfect. Her major was International Affairs, which fit someone with quick thinking skills and a persuasive tongue. The pink beanie, combat boots and tongue piercing, however, didn’t fit at all. She didn’t care. She never cared about anything.

 

           Except, for some reason, she cared about Tammy Larsen.

  
          Ew, not in that way, don’t make her gag. No no no. _Loathed_ Tammy Larsen was a better term. The girl was three years ahead of her, and yet her stink drifted throughout the campus. On the nationally ranked cheerleading team, board member for her ultra-popular sorority, and apparently threw “just, like, the best parties!” Yeah, Louise definitely couldn’t stand seeing her waltz across the quad everyday with her sorority whore squad, taking selfies and reapplying her nasty ass lipgloss. Tammy was a journalism major, and Louise hated that she knew that. The only reason she knew that was because she currently ran the SSU newscast that popped up on the school’s phone app every week. Jocelyn and she were co-anchors, covering everything from athletics to which professors were rated “So Lame!”

  
          Louise watched every update on her phone, sneering and ripping apart anyone who was on screen, especially Tammy.

  
         “She’s so dumb and vapid, how has anyone not ripped off her fake blonde extensions yet?” she said to the screen as Tammy blabbed on about the cheerleaders going to Nationals.

  
         "Louise, you’re obsessed with her,” Gene had said from the kitchen, where he was melting Doritos onto a box of donuts. “Almost as obsessed as I am with whatever Ryan Reynolds is doing. Whatever it is, it is working.”

  
         Louise had thrown a shoe at him. Innocently.

 

         But back on that March morning, when Louise was scarfing down a burrito and racing to meet the Pesto twins at the 4th floor study room in the library, she spotted Tammy and her shit squad gathered around a corkboard, squealing at eachother. Louise paused, listening in.

  
        “Like, ohmigawd Tammy! You should totally run, you would like totally win!” A brunette gushed.

  
        “Yeah,” Jocelyn drawled, ever present in Tammy’s circle. “You’re like the most popular person on campus.”

  
        Tammy hummed, considering. “You know what, you guys are so right. I am really popular, and this would make me so much more popular! Think of all the power.” She grinned. “All right, I’m doing it!” Pulling out a pink glitter gel pen from her purse (seriously, who takes a purse to classes?) and signs something on whatever they were looking at. As they all skittered, Louise cautiously approached the board, trying to see what they were all giggling about.

                             

                                                                                                    **SEYMORE STATE STUDENT SENATE**  
**THE SSSS COUNCIL PRESIDENTIAL ELECTIONS ARE HERE! SIGN UP TODAY!**  
**REPRESENT YOUR SCHOOL!**

 

         Despite the really unfortunate acronym, Louise was intrigued. Student council presidency meant a lot more at colleges, and was a lot less of a title. It meant financial budgeting, representing the school at out of state conferences, and lots of delegating. But more importantly, it meant that Tammy was running. Louise could see her sparkly pink name, Tammy Larsen, in that weird handwriting that all sorority girls have. Next to that was her contact information.

  
        Louise didn’t even think as she pulled out a half-dried pen from the bottom of her backpack and hastily scrawled her name right below Tammy’s. The action filled her with a maniacal glee.

         Tammy Larsen, prepare to be taken down.


	2. elmo goes to washington

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get heated at the first debate.

   “Okay, so I rented a few movies to help you out with this whole election thing,” Gene said, dumping an armful of DVDs on their Craigslist coffee table. “Also, did you know that you can still rent DVD’s? They practically beg you to take them away!”

   Louise’s campaign team was gathered around a few boxes of pizza, figuring out a game plan. Her team included Rudy, campaign manager and first aid kit provider, the Pesto twins, her image consultant (“I think you should look like my brother Andy!” “You should look like Ollie!” “Oh you!” “Oh you!”) and oddly enough, Jimmy Pesto Jr. who was media relations. Louise suspected he was only here because of Gene, who liked to make weird stupid dubstep techno beats for Jimmy to dance to.

   Louise came over with some beers for everyone, inspecting the titles. “Legally Blonde, The Campaign, Sydney White…” she paused over one, holding it up. “Elmo In Grouchland?”

   “Hey, he had to face a lot of adversary and prejudice in order to gain respect in his community,” Gene said fiercely, getting a far off look in his eyes. 

“I don’t think the manager of Espress-Yo-Self not letting you play your twenty minute techno dubstep song Fart Monster In Tokyo counts as adversary and prejudice.”

   “Nobody understands my struggles!”

   Rudy settled in next to Louise with his laptop, scrolling through the senate’s website. “Says here that you have two major debates and three ‘get togethers’ before the election. Are you ready for the debate?”

   “Uh, yeah,” she said, taking a big gulp of her beer. “Hey, Junior, how’s my twitter page lookin’?”

   “Uh, you only have two followers, and those are my brothers.”

   “Yeah, we’re following you Louise!”

   “We’ll follow you anywhere!”

   Louise rolled her eyes. “Well, work on that. Gene, what are you doing as my personal assistant?”

   “Watching these movies with a passion! Amanda Bynes will not be ignored."

   Rudy cleared his throat nervously. “Louise, are you sure you’re ready for this debate? They ask you a lot of specific stuff about school policies.”

   Louise scoffed. “I’m basically learning how to make peace within worlds and figure out who’s a spy and stuff! I got this in the bag.” She paused, remembering herself. “But thanks for helping me out Rudy. Seriously man, I appreciate it.”

   “I’m just happy to be included.”

   “Everyone quiet! She’s about to realize that the girls are mean to her and become her true self.”

    “Gene, this movie is so lame,” Jimmy groaned.

    “Never insult me like that again.”

 

 

   The school auditorium was already packed, with some students and professors standing in the back. Louise suspected that some Poli Sci majors were being given extra credit for coming, since it was unheard of for people to care about anything school related this much. Tammy hadn’t seen her yet, which was ideal. This was going to be a breeze, there was only one other candidate, some Psychology major who didn’t know how to breathe through his nose.

   Louise was backstage, eating a breakfast muffin while Rudy was pacing around with a clipboard. “Oh jeez, you’re really gonna have to have some enthusiasm for this school. People want to see that you actually like going here,” he said, a slight rasp to his voice. The stress was getting to him. “Louise, you have to be charming.”

   “Oh, please,” Louise said, getting some muffin crumbs spit-stuck to Rudy’s cheek. “I’m plenty charming! I have charm oozing from every orifice, I’m pure charm!”

   “Uh-huh.”

   An older woman with frown lines etched to her very core came over to where they were standing, checking her watch. “Alright, candidate Belcher. You enter last, and approach the third podium.”

   “How can this school afford to have such a fancy election season?” Louise asked.

   “We…don’t do sports,” she said with a sigh. “We weren’t great at it.”

   From the stage, the co-moderator began her spiel. “Welcome, SSU students and faculty to our exciting senate election season! Throughout the next month we’ll be conducting debates, interviews, and votes to find our new senate, including president and vice-president!” A few claps throughout. “Our first round of debates kicks off tonight with our three presidential candidates. Please welcome first 2nd year Psychology major Jeffrey Caulke!”

   On came the first candidate, who was looking a little pale and worse for wear. He smiled bleakly at the polite applause.

   “Next up, 3rd year Tammy Larsen!” There she was. Tammy came on stage waving and gushing at the audience, giving a little twirl before approaching the podium. A section of sorority clones broke in wild shrieks, clapping madly.

   “Get ready, Louise,” Rudy said, ushering Louise to the side of the stage and taking a deep breath of his inhaler.

   “And lastly, freshman Louise Belcher!”

   Louise strode onto the stage with confidence, proudly waving. Her campaign team erupted with yells and chants from the front row. Gene was even waving pom-poms about. Louise was sure that if he had more prep time, he would have made t-shirts.

   Louise made careful eye-contact with Tammy's unreadable but surprised expression as she approached her podium. The co-moderator, a peppy girl with a high ponytail, sat next to another equally peppy moderator, who cleared his throat for the rules. “Alright everyone, I have questions for each individual candidate. I will ask them to you, and you have time to respond, after that the floor is open to rebuttal. After a few questions for me and my co-moderator, we open the floor for audience questions.” She shuffled around some papers and muttered with the other boy. “Tammy Larsen, if president, what core values will you hope to encourage here at SSU?”

   Tammy gave a little bounce and flipped her ponytail back. “Um, I really like, y’know, friendship and bringing people together! Like at my sorority, everyone agreed that Katelyn’s blog page was so 2012 slutty, and Caitlyn with a C’s blog page was more 2014 slutty. So after we had a meeting we decided that we were all friends anyway!” The crowd gave mild applause and approval as Louise rolled her eyes.

   “Candidates? Response.”

   Jeffrey leaned in tentatively. “Well, I think-“

   “Ladies and gentlemen,” Louise interrupted, shuffling around blank papers and leaning into the microphone. “I want you to look deep inside of yourselves and think about what you see. Then look around, and see what’s surrounding you.” She took a long pause, overdramatically closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. “What do you see? Do you see a school of people like my opponent Tammy? People who are fake liars with ulterior motives?” There was a dignified scoff from the podium over, but Louise pressed on. “This school is only 15 percent Greek, and yet they-“she pointed a chipped nail at Tammy-“seem to think that they rule this school!”

   Somewhere backstage, Rudy was digging his palm into his forehead.

   “Um, excuse me!” Tammy screeched. “That has nothing to do with the question!” But it was too late, the room was already whipped up into frenzied whispers behind palms.

   “Oh, my apologies,” Louise said. “My core value is not being a fake bitch.”

   A high pitched “Ooh, _gurl_ ” rang out from the crowd, along with a wave of giggles. A few cellphones began to film.

   One of the moderators scrambled to reach for the microphone. “I think this is getting out of hand. For our next question-“

   Tammy grabbed her microphone. “Louise got diarrhea on a class field trip in high school!”

   People gasped throughout the room.

   “It’s true, I knew her back then,” Gene theatrically whispered to his seat neighbor.

   Louise balked. “Well, Tammy used to have fart attacks all the time!”

   “Louise has a bald spot underneath that hat!”

   “Oh, you wanna talk about hair? Remember when everyone thought you had lice because your hair was so gross?”

   “That’s a lie!”

   “Your whole face is a lie!” Snapchat apps were opening, frantic messages were being sent.

   The moderators were calling for order. “Ladies, please, if we can get back to the questions at hand-“

   “I think that we should all-“

   “NOBODY CARES, JEFFREY!” They both screamed in unison.

   “Okay.” “Look,” Tammy said, flipping her hair. “Here’s the thing, people. Who do you really want as your president? Someone who’s so lame that she still thinks that dog collars are an appropriate accessory, or somebody who has style and class?” A good amount of people erupted in applause.

   “And here’s the real thing,” Louise said. “Who do you really want? Some skank who doesn’t represent the true people, or an underdog? Someone who wants to see the real student body represented, even the little people? Even the weird guys who wear tails to school, or the sweaty girls who wear fingerless gloves? I love and accept you all. Louise out.” That earned an even louder cheer, bringing students to their feet.   

   “Bitch.”

   “Twat.”

   “All right!” the moderator said, standing up. “And that’s unfortunately all the time we have today!”

 

 

 

   “Louise,” Gene said outside, planting his hands on her shoulders. “That was the most beautiful thing I have ever witnessed in my entire life.”

   “Oh my god, we’re gonna get expelled,” Rudy moaned, head in hands. He started breathing heavily, wheezing. “I’m gonna have to go work at the orthodontist’s place with my dad. He hits on the dental hygienist with a lisp.”

   “Everything went great,” Louise said. She wrapped her arms around the Pesto twins as they were practically vibrating in their spots.

   “Uh, Louise?” Jimmy Jr. said worriedly, scrolling through the social media feeds.

   Her phone buzzed in her jacket pocket. “One sec, J-Ju. I got a phone call.” The caller ID told her it was Tina. “Hey, T. What’s up? Haven’t heard from you in awhile.”

   Labored breathing came from the other line. “Yeah, hey, sorry. Midterms have been crazy, and also some season finales have happened, really emotional….” She trailed off before finding her place. “You didn’t tell me you were running for senate president!”

   “Yeah, no big deal,” Louise said, wandering off from the group, who was now debating which Mexican place to go to for dinner.

   “Yes big deal!!” Tina erupted. “You’re famous! Social media famous!”

   “What?”

   “Here, I’m sending you a Buzzfeed link.”

   Her phone vibrated again with a text. Louise clicked through the link. “15 Boyz 4 Now Gifs That Will Make You Say OMFG LOL?”

   “Oh, whoops. Wrong link.” Some shuffling on the line. “Now look.”

   “Crazy Debate Goes Hardcore,” Louise muttered, reading through the article. Apparently the videos from the debate went viral, talking about how heated it had gotten and the “straight shade” being thrown. It even included a vine loop and dubstep remix of the guy saying ‘ooh gurl.’ “Holy crap!”

  Jimmy Jr. appeared behind her. “That’s what I was trying to tell you! You’ve gained, like, 2000 followers on twitter in the past five minutes alone.”

   “Is that Jimmy Jr.? Tell him I still have those fanfics-“ Louise ended the call.

   Before she could even process this, Louise’s phone buzzed again.

 

    **unknown number: hey. its tammy. we need 2 talk. when r u free?**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cool. rad. don't know what to say in these notes.


	3. truth or dare or devito

   This was not a Tammy type of bar.

    It was small, a little quiet, and nobody was doing body shots off each other. Just some college hangout hole in the wall where the pictures of faded sports teams hung framed around isolated booths and dartboards. The only other patrons were small groups of guys sharing nachos and some drunk sophomores cheering around a pinball machine. Honestly, it wasn’t Louise’s sort of place either, but at least they didn’t card her. She didn’t really look twenty-one with her twiggy legs and blotchy face, but the attitude worked well enough.

    Tammy was late, Louise noticed with an eyeroll as she ordered a cheap beer and waited at the bar, scrolling through her phone. That debate really was becoming popular, because the internet was the internet, and she was already getting a few emails from semi-popular media outlets looking for a comment.

    “Don’t turn, don’t look at me,” said a hooded figure as it sat down in the stool next to Louise. It was Tammy, in a high collared trench coat, big sunglasses, and floppy hat.

    “Oh yeah, you’re really incognito being the only person in this place dressed for a game of Clue,” Louise quipped, making full eye contact.

    “Ugh!” Tammy sneered, throwing off her disguise and letting her long blonde hair fall to her shoulders. Louise berated herself for staring a little. “We can’t be seen together! That’s why I picked this crappy pub!”

    “Why can’t we be seen together?”

    “We’re all over the news!” Tammy said, throwing up her arms. The bartender passed another beer, and Louise slid it to Tammy.

    “I wouldn’t call a few clickbait articles ‘the news’.” Louise leaned against the bar, trying to look bored. “Besides, I thought this is what you would want, the attention, the glamour?" Tammy looked like she was going to cry. “I didn’t want this! What are people going to say? You said my worst friggin’ secrets, so embarrassing! This is gonna be permanent, whenever you search my name. How am I gonna be hired now, my future is over!”

     Something deep within Louise panged, and for a moment, she sort of felt sorry for Tammy.

    “Besides, it’s even worse that it was with a nobody like you.”

    Okay, moment passed.

    The lone bartender shuffled over to approach them. “Hey,” he said, looking at Tammy, and Louise could tell that she was terrified that he would ask her about the debate. “What can I get for ya?”

    Tammy visibly relaxed. “Um, something that doesn’t taste like alcohol but is alcohol.”

    The bartender resisted rolling his eyes along with Louise as he went about fixing something. “Wow, Tammy, so cliché,” Louise quipped.

    “Oh, whatever,” she said, clapping slightly as something very bright and very fruity appeared in front of her. It even came with an umbrella. “Try it, stop trying to look tough all the time.”

   Louise bristled as the drink was pushed towards her. Delicately, she took a small sip of the glass, and was met with an overwhelming sense of sweet and sugary, but…”Okay, it’s not. The worst, I guess. To your benefit, it’s not the worst thing I’ve ever had in my life.”

   Tammy cracked a smile. “Okay, sure.” She waved down the bartender with a perfectly polished wave of her manicure. “Bartender, can you get another one of whatever this is for this lameo-flameo over here.”

    Four more glasses emptied, it turns out that sugary drinks that don’t taste alcoholic can be very alcoholic. Louise was feeling tipsy, her head stepping into the shallow end of a pool and just lazing around. Tammy and she scrolled through their social media feeds, laughing at their mentions and follows. “Holy crap, this guy just said I was prettier, take that Tammy,” Louise interrupted, pushing her body against Tammy’s. “Here, lemme type something back.”

   Tammy snorted, pushing back. “No, oh my god! That would be so funny though. Like, so funny, if we just, you know, just said ‘eff off, ya know?”

    “Wow, you are pretty tipsy.”

    “No shit, so are you.” They both leaned back, letting their heads spin in a more calming way, waves rolling against a beach. Louise let it hum slowly, trying to gather her thoughts. She was at a bar, having girly drinks with her worst enemy.

    Somewhere in the bottom of her pocket, her phone was buzzing with texts from Gene and Rudy, asking where she was and how meeting with her nemesis went. Louise knew that Tammy was also ignoring texts from her Jocelyn and the rest of her sorority, and the fact made Louise preen with a feeling she couldn’t quite place. “Hey, you wanna play some pool?” Louise asked, surprising even herself with the question.

    Tammy ran a hand through her hair, humming. “You know how to play?” She started to fish in her purse and pulled out a platinum credit card, sliding it on the bar.

    “Yeah,” Louise said, taking another big gulp of her drink. “My dad pretended he knew how to play all the time, so eventually we just learned together.” She got up, tugging Tammy to the table in the back corner of the bar, where it was a little quieter, a little more intimate. As she started to rack the balls at the edge of the table as Tammy watched, giggling a little.

    “This is so weird,” Tammy muttered as Louise grabbed some pool cues and tossed one to Tammy. “This entire thing is so friggin’ weird.”

    “Trust me, it’s way weirder for me,” Louise said, feeling her head take a dive into the deep end as she lined up her cue. “Okay, so I’m solids, you’re stripes. Try to knock all of your balls into a hole. I’ll break.” Louise made a perfect shot, despite the alcohol, watching the balls break into wildly different directions. Tammy tried to copy Louise’s stance, but ends up leaning too far long the table and jerking her elbow too awkwardly, only barely grazing anything. “Yikes,” Louise teased. “Real shame.”

    “Shut up,” Tammy said. “I’m drunk.”

    “You’re such a lightweight.”

    “Nu-uh! You had, like, two drinks less than me and we’re both at the same level.” Louise didn’t want to admit that she was right, so she took her shot, letting the balls sink.

    “Louise,” Tammy said, before balancing her own pool cue. “Truth or dare.”

    “No, no way, no frickin’ way.” Horror memories of Tina’s impromptu sleepovers roused through Louise’s memory. “I don’t trust you.”

    “Oh, c’mon. Don’t be such a dicky downer.” Tammy missed again, but only seemed to laugh about it. “Truth or dare, nerd.”

    “Dare,” Louise said, as she always did. Always pick rock in rock-paper-scissors, and always pick dare in truth-or-dare.

    “All right.” Tammy wobbled a little, leaning in to take another shot. After a few times missing the cue ball completely, she finally got a decent hit, and watched with delight as one of her designated balls dropped in a pocket. “Take out your phone, call a random person in your contacts list, and confess your undying love for them.”

    Louise smirked. “Wow, Larson. You’re going too easy on me.” She unlocked her phone, ignoring all of her missed text messages and scrolling through her phone contacts.

    “Close your eyes!” Tammy was giggling. “And put it on speakerphone!”

    “Right, right!” Louise squeezed her eyes shut as her thumb jammed onto one of her contacts. Immediately, she heard the phone ringing. It was late, probably around one in the morning by now, so she didn’t really expect someone to pick up-

    “ _Uh, hello?_ ” Came a confused, sleepy voice from the other line.

    “Oh my god!” Tammy whispered urgently. “It’s Jocelyn!” Louise snorted, not even remembering why or how Jocelyn’s number was still in her phone after all these years. Probably after one of her childhood adventures, those used to happen all the time.

    “ _Ugh, Brad, if this is another stupid prank call-_ “

    “No, no,” Louise spoke up, as Tammy was trying not to laugh too hard and failing. “This is Louise Belcher, from, y’know. Our past and stuff? Shared childhood.”

    “ _Oh. Yah, I remember you. Your debate last night was so funny! I wish I could like, tell Tammy some of that stuff too? Like, sometimes she needs to hear it._ ” At this, Tammy’s jaw dropped, and she made a huff of disbelief as Louise snickered.

    “Oh, I definitely agree.” Louise leaned against the pool table, dipping her head back. “But this is about something, something else.” Her words were definitely slurring, but whatever.

    “ _Like, what’s up?_ ”

    “It’s just that I. Uh.” No used chickening out now. “I’ve just always been in love with you. Since forever.” Tammy made the motion to go on. “Your voice, your hair, your…general….Jocelyn-ness.”

    At this, Tammy started howling with laughter, thumping her hand against the pool table as Louise ducked her head so Jocelyn wouldn’t hear.

    “ _Oh. My. Gawd. That is so adorable!_ ” Jocelyn squealed, drawing out every syllable. “ _Like, I am so flattered. You’re so cute!_ ”

    “Thanks, Jocelyn.”

    “ _No problem. I mean, I’m not interested? Because, you know. I’m out of your league. But still_!” Jocelyn paused. “ _This is so weird though, because I could’ve sworn you liked Tammy-_ “

    “Okay Jocelyn gotta go thanks for being so understanding!” Louise spat out, going red in the face and clicking out of the phone call. Thankfully, Tammy was still laughing, not having heard what Jocelyn had just said. Good thing, too. Louise didn’t want her getting such obviously wrong ideas. “Satisfied?”

    “Yes, holy shit! That was fan-friggin-tastic!” Tammy bit at her manicured thumbnail, smiling. “It’s funny though. Don’t tell anyone I told you this, but Jocelyn definitely made out with this girl Nellie Steinburg, this total JAP, at last year’s formal afterparty.”

    “She was a _what?_ ”

    “Jewish American Princess. Sorry, forgot you were a goy for a second.” Tammy laughed to herself. “Jocelyn only told me about itbut it would have been such good gossip for my show. But, y’know.” Tammy shrugged. “She’s, like, my best friend. There are some lines you don’t cross.”

   Louise took a little half step towards Tammy, only stumbling a little, trying to pretend she was only lining up another shot. “Alright, truth or dare Tammy? It’s your turn.”

    “Truth,” Tammy said, not moving away from Louise despite their close proximity. This was the alcohol. Alcohol was making all of Louise’s hairs stand on end and electricity build up in her fingertips just from standing so close. Tammy was the worst, the absolute worst. Louise knew that, which is why it was impossible that it was anything but the alcohol that made Louise feel like her and Tammy were standing in an entirely different universe, alone.

    Louise considered. There were a lot of questions that she was genuinely curious about. How can she be so shallow? How can she be in such a stupid sorority? Why does she always act like she’s dumb? Why does her hair look so soft all the time? “So, uh, why are you running for senate?” Dumb. Stupid. Holy shit, literally the most idiotic fucking question Louise could’ve asked ever. What was she, one of those debate moderators?

   “Um,” Tammy started, shrugging. “I don’t know. I like validation or something. You know me.” She snorted, uncharacteristically self-aware in her drunken state. “I didn’t think there would actually be competition.” She bumped her hip against Louise’s.

    “Yeah, I’m a tough one, gotta watch out,” Louise said with a wink. Shit, did she seriously just wink? What the hell was wrong with her?

    “I just think it’s cute and all that you actually think you’re gonna win,” Tammy added smoothly.

   “Yeah, cute,” Louise said, steadying herself, trying to focus on words. “Wait, what?” “Well, you’re running as a joke, right? Some lame ironic thing that hipsters do? I mean, you’re never one to take things seriously. You haven’t taken anything serious since you crawled out of the womb or hatched from a distant planet or wherever your weird family comes from.”

   Louise squeezed her eyes shut, trying to feel the booze fade from her veins, but it wasn’t working. “What’d you say about my family?”

   Tammy flipped her hair over her shoulder in one breezy motion. “Well, you know how they are. Weird, annoying, can’t get anything right. I mean, Gene took a cardboard cutout of Danny DeVito to prom.”

   “Hey, DeVito was a true gentleman the entire night,” Louise mumbled, before shaking her head and glaring at Tammy. “And who said you get to talk about my family like that?”

   “It’s just a joke Louise, oh my god! Take a chill pill.” Tammy gave a forced laugh. “That’s who you are, right? You love being the freaky one, you love doing shit for the shock factor. You can’t be Kanye and then flip when people expect you to skeeve out. Everything about you, how you dress, how you act, even your ragtag team of weirdo losers that follow you around like you’re the geek pied piper. You want this.”

   “Just, shut up, ugh,” Louise said, groaning. Almost as a reflex, she tried to tug down bunny ears that weren’t there, a safety blanket that left long ago. “I can’t believe I thought you changed at all,” she said, picking up her jacket from the bar and shrugging into it.

    “Wait, Louise, stop being such a-“

    “A bitch? Takes one to know one.” Not the best comeback Louise ever had, but it didn't matter. She was already headed out the door and into the cool night, leaving Tammy in her wake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took so long! hopefully the longer chapter makes up for it.


	4. in soviet russia, fic reads you

   Darkness. Sweet, blissful darkness. Darkness that soothed her aches, calmed the-

   “Rise and shine my sweet little drunk!” Called a particularly loud, screeching voice as the door opened and morning light flooded into the small room. Louise grabbed her pillow and mushed it against her head, groaning.

   “Mom, no, leave me here to die.”

   “Aww, baby’s first hangover!” Linda said, sitting on Louise’s old childhood bed with her and placing a comforting hand on her youngest daughter’s head.

   “What am I doing here,” Louise said, her voice muffled by her pillow.

   “Well,” Linda said, pursing her lips. “You came stumbling upstairs really late. Your father and I were already in bed, but he was so worried that maybe something was wrong that he checked up on you, such a softie that one. Gene called too wondering where you were. You have some very nice men who care about you, muffin,” she said, smoothing Louise’s hair.

   “Yeah, I know,” Louise grumbled, blindly searching for her phone.

   “Your father said you reeked of alcohol and cigarettes and could barely formulate a sentence, so he turned you on your side and tucked you in. You weren’t smoking, were you? Because you know I can tolerate a few boozy cocktails, but smoking’s real bad for you, hun.”

   “No, Mom, I was just at a bar,” Louise said, scrolling through all of her missed texts and phone calls. Most of them were from Gene and Rudy, wondering where she was, but there was one from Tammy.

**tammy: im sorry.**

   Louise deleted that, not remembering when she added her number into her phone. She considered deleting Tammy’s whole contact in her phone, but, she hesitated.

   “Anyway, your father’s making breakfast, for once.” Linda snorted playfully. “Pancakes, go get some.”

   “Can’t I throw up instead?”

   “You can do both. Now, scoot your toot.”

   As her mother left, Louise went about getting dressed. She apparently had just climbed into bed in only a bra and underwear, so she rummaged through her drawer for some old, leftover clothes. Her dress from last night did in fact reek of cigarettes, so she left it on the floor.

   Even though she’d been gone for almost half a year now, Louise’s room/closet was still untouched, from the old Boo-Boo posters to the tried and true Kuchi Kopi nightlight. She even still managed to find a decent outfit, some ripped jeans and an olive green shirt. Throwing on a beanie to hide the unwashed, unbrushed hair, she emerged from her room.

   In the kitchen, Bob Belcher was humming to himself, letting the homemade mix sizzle lightly on the pans as the early morning light filled their old and small apartment. He looked a little older, a little more bent over, Louise noted with a pang of homesickness as she pulled up a chair at the table.

   “Hi, Dad,” she said, blinking hard against the light and fighting off waves of nausea.

   “Hi, Louise,” Bob said, finishing up a pancake. “How’re you feeling?”

   “Peachy,” Louise said, just as Linda came in with a cheery, ”Hungover!”

   “So you did drink last night,” Bob said with a reserved grimace, placing Louise’s pancakes on a plate and serving them. They had a whipped cream smile. Louise gave a small smile back at it. Bob sat across from her with a cup of coffee as Linda grabbed a few things from the fridge. “Shouldn’t we be concerned about this, Lin? I mean, she’s only nineteen.”

   “Look at her, Bobby. She looks like she’s going to hurl it right over her pancakes,” Linda said with a barking laugh. “She’s not drinking for another five years. Besides, I’m not even sure how she got into a bar with her cute little baby face.” To make a point, Linda reached over and gave Louise’s face a big squeeze, as Louise batted her away.

   “Yeah, I’ve learned my lesson,” Louise mumbled. This wasn’t actually her first time drinking, but it was her first time being stupid enough to drink on an empty stomach with no water.

   “What were you doing at a bar?” Bob asked.

   Louise sighed, not liking lying to her parents but not super thrilled about the truth. “I was out with Tammy.”

   “Tammy?!” Linda said, well, screeched, as she paused mid egg-crack into a blender. “The Tammy who bullied you three throughout school? Your competition for senate? Terrible Tammy?”

   “There has to be a better nickname for her,” Bob muttered.

   “What are you doing talking to her? Is this part of a secret scheme?” She clapped, turning on the blender. “Ooh, I love secret schemes! How are we gonna overthrow her?”

   “No, it was just,” Louise sighed, taking a small bite of pancake and feeling a little better. “I don’t know.” She looked up to Linda and Bob sharing a certain look. “What?”

   “Nothing, sweetheart,” her mother said, setting down a green, oozy smoothie in front of Louise. “Drink up, that is Linda Belcher’s Patented Cure-All Hangover Smoothie Extravaganza.”

   Bob chuckled. “Seriously, Lin, your nicknames…”

   Louise took a gentle sip, before immediately and violently gagging. “Ugh, what the hell is in this?”

   “Language, honey,” Linda tsked, still smiling.

   “She never shares the whole list, but it works,” Bob added, with a shake of his head. “Even I can’t top it.”

   “Tabasco, sriracha, flax seeds, cracked egg, just to name a few. Some are just mommy’s little secrets, so drink up.”

   Louise took another big gulp, choking a little. “What time is it?”

   “A little after ten,” Bob noted, looking up at the oven clock. “Don’t you have class?”

   “Yeah,” Louise said, squeezing her eyes shut. “I have a lecture in Global Economy at 10:30.” Even saying the word lecture made her stomach turn, so she continued to sip the smoothie from hell.

   “Well, then hop to it smartie miss martie. I need my scholar ready for class so you can take over the world.” Linda gave Louise such a beaming smile that Louise hesitantly and with great angst leaned over to give her mom a kiss to the temple.

   “We’re proud of you, Louise,” Bob said gruffly. “Even when you make bad, illegal choices.”

   “Thanks, Dad.” She gave him a side hug before heading out. It was weird, leaving the house like this. It wasn’t her home anymore, but her parents looked like they were so comfortable even without their baby birds.

   “And we’re coming to your next debate tomorrow!” Linda called after her.

   Louise groaned. Her family was so embarrassing.

 

    By the time she made her way to the campus, she could tell that something was different. There was an air about, a certain atmosphere. Too many people chatting in groups, not hurriedly trying to both study and fastwalk to class.

   “Hey, Louise! What up, girlfriend?” Some frat guy yelled, waving.

   “Nothing much, you, guy, buddy. Nice chat,” Louise called back, nodding.

   “Louise, numbah one!” shouted a girl skateboarding past.

   “Thanks?” This was getting weird.

   A shiny haired sorority girl scoffed as she walked past. “Tammy’s way better!”

   Oh, right. The election. Louise had momentarily forgotten about the biggest thing going on in her life.

   Then she saw it.

   A gaggle of nerdy, neckbeard types all wearing matching white shirts. And plastered across the front were the words “ **LOUISE? YES PLEASE!”**

   Louise charged for them, absolutely bewildered. “Hey, where’d you get those shirts?” she demanded, breaking through the horde.

   One of the taller guys shrugged. “There was a table giving them away early.”

   Another guy spoke up,”Yeah, I even got this.” He tugged at his shirt, showing off a button that read **CLAMMY TAMMY’S A SHAMMY!** It was pretty small text. “We just think you’re pretty cool for representing us little guys!”

   “Yeah, sure, no problem,” Louise said, pushing them away and walking off. She could worry about this later. Much later. Maybe never.

   It didn’t help that her lecture hall was on the other side of campus, she had to shoulder through a sizeable number of people all with high-fives and cheers, and even a lot of people with death glares and rolled eyes. 

   By the time she made it to her class, the large sloped hall was already filled to the brim with students trying to cram before the midterm. Global Politics was notorious for having one of the most confusing and complicated midterms out of the entire International Affairs unit. Speaking of, Louise tried to remember how much she had studied as she squeezed into one of the remaining seats in the very back. Her head still pounded with every creek of one of those desks attached to the chairs. Fuck, what were those even called? Mini desks? Attachable swing tables? God, it was too early for this.

   “Hey Louise,” a recognizable lisp greeted, and there was Jimmy Jr. casually sliding into the seat next to her, wearing one of the **LOUISE, YES PLEASE** shirts and holding two cups of coffee. “You look like shit.”

   “Yeah, no crap.” Louise studied him. “Is one of those coffees for me?”

   Jimmy Jr. smirked. “Yeah, Gene told me what your order is.”

   “Thanks,” Louise took a sip. Sugary. Heavy cream. She loved her brother sometimes. “Do you take this class?”

   Jimmy Jr. stared at her. “Louise, I don’t even go to this _school._ You didn’t know that?” At Louise’s shrug, he sighed. “Nevermind. I don’t have classes today so Gene asked if I could see if you were okay. You should probably text him.”

   "Yeah, you're right, pretty jerky of me to not text back my one and only brother."

**Sent: hey, sorry i haven’t texted back. got really drunk, ended up at our parents house?? ughh, don’t let me do that again.**

   It only took a few seconds for a response.

**Gene: its ok dont worry about it as long as ur fine. did mom give u her hangover smoothie? its definitely what courtney love would drink. too bad shes dead.**

**Sent: courtney love is definitely alive, gene.**

**Gene: then who am i thinking of?**

**Sent: isn’t shia labeouf dead?**

**Gene: sounds like something he’d do.**

                Louise smiled to herself, pulling out her notebooks as her professor pulled up yet another heavy text slideshow. She lightly kicked the guy next to her, who was looking like he was itching to talk about Marxism without prompt. “Hey, pal, do you have the printout for this one?”

                The guy scratched his shaved head. “Uh, yeah.”

                “Uh, well,” Louise mocked. “Buddy, can I see it?” Marxist guy pulled out a stapled pile of notes from his messenger bag and pulled it over. “My future political career thanks you,” she said, flipping through while Jimmy Jr. stared on. She had forgotten he was still there. “So, what’s with the shirt?” she asked him.

   “Oh, yeah,” Jimmy Jr. said, looking down at his outfit. “Aren’t they sweet? The team stayed up late making them while you were doing whatever.”

   Louise felt a twist of guilt in her stomach, but pushed it down. “Wow, that’s actually pretty nice of you guys. Good work.”

   “I’d like to think so. I’d also like credit for talking Gene and my brothers out of ‘ _Louise is the bees knees, Tammy makes me sneeze’.”_

   Louise snorted, taking another sip of her coffee. “Wow, that’s pretty bad, sounds like something my mom would think of. Thanks is given.”

   The professor was now walking up the stairs of the lecture hall, looking absolutely withered with age and burdened by having yet another year where everyone paid attention to everyone else except him. “Since all of you have been coming into my office during office hours, begging for extra credit, I’ll throw you a bone.” The professor paused, staring at the large room. “Whoever can tell me what Gorbachev’s economic restructuring plan was better known for will get fifty extra points added to their midterm exam score.”

   A few hesitant hands shot into the air, as people were realizing that nobody ever paid attention towards 1980’s Soviet Union. Except Louise.

   “Excuse me, professor,” Louise started, waving her hand in the air and putting on her best ‘bullshit pleaser’ voice. “I believe it was called _perestroika.”_

   The professor turned, looking mildly pleased. “Correct.” He looked at Jimmy Jr. next to her. “Young man, if you can tell me what he wanted this perestroika to have, you will get 20 extra points.”

   Jimmy Jr. stammered,”B-but I-“

   Louise elbowed him in the side. “Psst. It’s _glasnost_.”

   Jimmy Jr. sweat. “Um. Glasnost?” But really it sounded like ‘Glathnotht.’ Little droplets of spit landed on the girl in front of him.

   The professor gave Louise an appraising look, having heard her cheat. “You’re Louise Belcher, aren’t you? One of the students running for senate president?”

   Louise nodded lazily. “Yup, that’s me.” The entire hall began buzzing, hushed whispers about the rumors they head, not realizing she was in the class, the works.

   “Campus gossip says your campaign’s already making waves.” The professor turned around again. “If you’re so knowledgeable on the subject, I sincerely hope your politics aren’t in line with the Soviet Union’s.” The class laughed mildly. “Just don’t get in over your head.”

   Another text: **Jocelyn: hey dnt worry about last nite ok!!! even if were supposed to 2 b enemies right now its totes cool that u have a little crush, i mean, who wouldn’t???? lol. ;P don’t mention it to tammy tho, i think shed be a jealous.**

   Louise sunk back into her seat. Right, yeah. Don’t get in over your head.

   No reason to worry, she’s never done _that_ before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> holy shit, i'm sorry this took ten years to publish. no idea why, this chapter just would not come out, so i had to c-section it. bad dum tsst. what, not in the mood for a good birth labor joke? psh, whatever. 
> 
> anyways, i promise the chapter won't take as long, and will be 100 percent less boring. cross my heart, pals.
> 
> if any of my soviet union facts are incorrect, i'm sorry.


End file.
